Here, Feel Better About Yourself.

So if you like embarrassing stories that aren't outrageous enough to be memorable or even particularly interesting but will still make you feel better about your own life, then you've come to the right place.

I had the hardest time dragging myself out of bed this morning because my schedule had been thrown off by all my hedonistic out-of-town partying, and some guys were over at the apartment last night playing video games on one tv while watching some show on the other (yeah, there are three tvs in the living room in this apartment) and the noise filtered in to my room and I was already restless anyway so basically what I'm trying to say is that it was 7:45 before I knew it, and I hadn't even changed yet and I had to be at work in 15 minutes and I knew it took me like 12 minutes to walk there so I was like OMG WHAT DO I DO.

It didn't help that all my clothes are currently split up between a duffle bag, a suitcase, two garbage bags (they're CLEAN AND CHEAP alright don't judge me), and Fremont, so I really had very limited options. In my rush I settled for my old faithful backup, this dark purple form fitting suit-dress that I got at H&M earlier this year, which usually makes me look put-together and draws the attention away from my sleep-deprived eyes and my sleep-smooshed hair (I should just stop sleeping altogether), and rushed off to work.

So guess what. IT FAILED ME. Yeah, I know! I was outraged too. Later that day, thankfully only two hours before it was time to go home, I was in the bathroom looking at my hair and silently telling it how much I hated it when I automatically did a slow turn/full body check and realized that MY DRESS WAS RIPPED. Yeah, RIPPED. Like in the back, from the bottom hem, which hit just above the knee, to probably like halfway to my waist.

My god, from that moment on it was a tricky game to escape anyone from (further) noticing my wardrobe malfunction. First I had to slide very casually out of the bathroom and then casually walk backwards toward the hallway, where no one ever is, and once I got out there I had to casually sprint to the other door which was only like two feet from my desk. One of my coworkers was sitting at the desk right inside the door, but luckily he apparently is used to me inexplicably darting around the office because he didn't even turn around when I got back.

When I sat down in the chair (which actually belonged to another coworker who was in a meeting -- I have no permanent desk so I'm like a workstation squattor) I decided that I wasn't going to get up again for the rest of the day. And then, because I didn't want everyone to think that I was completely lazy, I reluctantly decided to share my misfortune with my nearest coworker, the one at the desk.

"Hey," I said. "I ripped my dress."
He gave me a sidelong look and laughed a little. "Oh," he said. "yeah."

HE KNEW? And didn't tell me? Well all I can say is that he better start watching his back.

The rest of the day went mostly like that. When the coworker whose desk I had commandeered came back, I had to hop chairs and from then on I was kind of just a chair-bound nomad who had to try and look busy so no one would ask me to do something that involved standing. When it was time to go home I had to ask my boss to drive her car around to the office door to pick me up.

And of course the icing on the cake came while I was waiting for her (my back casually but firmly pressed against the side of the building, of course), and this girl walked by me and complimented me on my dress. I almost cried. How could it betray me like this? I don't know when I'll ever trust again.