One Liquid Diet to Another

So in the last two weeks in LA I've managed to save a lot of grocery money with one simple but brilliant solution: don't eat. Yeah, I know, I don't know why I never thought of it before. Well, I do know why, it's because my body has a weird little thing where it wants food all the time. But I've found a way around that: drink a lot of alcohol.

It goes like this.

Day 1: Drink a lot. Be too drunk to eat.
Day 2: Be too hungover to eat anything.

Repeat.

It works pretty well and it's gratifying not only because you save so much money but also because you get to be drunk a lot. The downside is that you also have to be hungover a lot.

Which brings me to a question. What is a hangover anyway? Recently I've had the sneaking suspicion that I get them but I can't really tell. My only symptoms are that everything feels really vague and funny and I keep wanting to dance. It's a lot like being drunk, actually. Drunk and on crack. Also, I always wake up really early the next day and my brain is all energetic but my body is like "nah I'm just gonna sit here and chill" which is also explains the whole not-eating thing even though I'm usually starving the next day.

Now, just to prove I'm not a total alcoholic, I'm going to switch topics. I'm at home now. Which means I spend most of my spare time sleeping (I have a memory foam mattress topper and it is my best friend here) or listening to my sister talk (not recommended for readers at home) or wondering if I went back in time because my parents are treating me like I'm seven, and I'm 21, right? Right?!

Anyway I have three weeks at home this summer and absolutely no plans so I'm going to go on a liquid diet. No, not that kind, the other kind. Something with juice I think. I researched it a while ago but apparently alcohol does not enhance the memory. Basically you drink a lot of this special cleansing juice for three days to a week and then you come out the other side like fifty pounds thinner and with all the toxins flushed out of you. I expect greater results because if I get all the alcohol-related toxins flushed out of me I would lose more than fifty pounds. Just kidding. Not really. Maybe?

Anyway my motivation for this cleanse has everything to do with my winter trip. This Christmas break my family is going to Taiwan to visit relatives and here would be a great time to reflect upon what happened the last time we did this:

Uncle, who has always been known as the 'chubby one' ever since he was little; in fact, when we were small my mom would refer to him as 'chubby uncle' to distinguish him from our five other uncles, upon coming into the room and seeing me for the first time in like five years: Oh my god! How did you get so fat?!
Me: WTF

That's pretty much an accurate recounting, except instead of saying "WTF" I just cried a lot and he felt bad and tried to apologize but I still haven't forgiven him and if I don't lose thirty pounds before December I'm totally not going to see him. I mean when you are a teenage girl (I was like 17 then.. this was very damaging to my psyche and if I have ever done anything to offend you you can blame my uncle for messing me up when I was trying to develop mentally and socially) and your fat uncle calls you fat then well that is enough to put a person off a semi-tropical island forever.

Jesus, what is this post about? If you didn't understand any of this don't blame me, I don't either. Blame it on the vestiges of this morning's hangover, or the really fuzzy 4 hours of travel, or listening to my sister talk for two hours over lunch, or drifting in and out of sleep between like 3 and 9 PM, or just the shock of living somewhere where I get told to turn my music down.

I need a drink.