U-C-STOPSCREAMINGOBSCENITIESINTOMYEARGUYBEHINDME-LLLLL-A!

Yesterday I went to my first UCLA men's basketball game ever. I've been to Pauley before, for a thousand different reasons: Mango's intramural basketball games, a UCLA women's gymnastics meet, a L.A. Sparks playoff game, the LMFAO concert. Random, I know. But this was the first time I've gone for men's basketball and wow, are sports fans unattractive.

Well, let me back up. I'm a sports fan, I guess. I would say my interest in sports is higher than that of the average female and lower than that of the average male. I'm like a sports fan hermaphrodite. It's really late, I don't know why I would say something like that. But what I'm trying to say is that every time I attend a sporting event I am reminded of how annoying most sports fans are. Myself excluded. Of course.

Mango says it's all part of the package, that trash talking and shrieking and senseless traditions are an inherent aspect of spectator sports. And I'm like, eh.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time at the game. I might even have participated in an 8-clap or two. And UCLA won, which I'm pretty sure is a direct result of my efforts. In the spirit of the subject matter, here is a play by play of my night and a little insight into why I think many sports fans are idiots a tad overzealous.

7:00 PM: Mango and I join Robong and Dwang in the student section of the stands, which is like three rows back from courtside. When I'm trying to settle in I accidentally kick the girl in front of me, but I don't feel too bad because it doesn't seem like she noticed and also she did that thing with her Den shirt where she like cut the heck out of it so that it exposed as much shoulder and cleavage as possible. And then she tied it up at the back to bare some midriff and honestly, is it necessary to slut up for a sporting event? I'm probably not the right person to judge though, because I totally went in an (intact) Den shirt and a UCLA jacket and sweats. If it helps, they were girl sweats, so I didn't look too homeless. Just mildly homeless. Like I only recently lost my job and my house but I'm still trying to do laundry in the sink at the McDonalds on the corner to you know, keep up appearances.

8:00 PM: The game is under way and okay, there are a lot of weird traditions that college students do. Like the entire student section is standing right now. Is this going to stop anytime soon? Some of the traditions at least are funny or amusing but some are kind of mean and make me a little sad. Or is it mad? Anyway this one thing they do is when a member of the opposing team makes an air-ball, they chant "air-ball, air-ball" every single time he has his hands on the ball up until he makes a shot. This one guy on the Concordia team shot an air-ball in the first five minutes of the game and then didn't make a basket until the very end of the second half, so he had to put up with a lot of this chanting. I'm going to be honest, I felt bad for him. He was really hustling and plus their team is the underdog, and I always root for underdogs (hence my undying devotion to the Warriors), and so what happened was that I kept accidentally clapping for the other team.

8:15 PM: Hunh. So I guess we're not sitting down.

8:30 PM: Seriously, they will not stop with the "air-ball" chants. This bothers me on a number of levels. First of all, I'm not a fan of chanting. It's so cult-y and I'm also not a fan of cults. Second of all, it's so mean. I try to counter all the mean vibes by cheering positively ("maybe try again!" "don't listen to them, you're still a good player!" "welcome to Los Angeles!") but it's hard to be heard over the crowd and also Mango keeps trying to quiet me down to prevent us from being killed.

8:45 PM: Wow I did not know you were allowed to call a ref that without getting thrown out.

9:00 PM: Seriously? Standing for the duration of the entire game?

9:15 PM: Okay, guy behind me with a super loud annoying voice: stop telling the opposing team's players to go home. (Verbatim: "hey YOU! Number 33! Go HOME! YOU SUCK! GO HOME!") If they went home there wouldn't be a game to watch at all and then you'd have to be alone at home wondering why you have no friends and okay guess what it's because you're obnoxious there I solved the problem for you okay?!

9:20 PM: This thing is like two hours long. My feet are getting tired.

9:30 PM: Thank god it's over let me sit. UCLA WINS! The game ends with UCLA shooting a clutch 3 after our best player fouled out and winning by one with our first and only lead of the game. It's pretty cool and I'm all school-pridey and stuff but secretly I feel a little bad for Concordia because they played so hard and all their players were like a full foot shorter than ours. I feel like they should have gotten points for being scrappy but Mango says that is not a category in basketball scoring.

In conclusion, I hope next time our school plays a team who's really mean and maybe are known puppy-beaters or something because then I can cheer with a clear conscience. Although I don't hope that anyone hurts puppies. And if they did they should probably be in jail and not on the basketball court. Although Mango did tell me that one of the UCLA players was suspended for a while because he beat up his girlfriend. I definitely did not cheer for him. That's kind of an awkward note to end this on. Oh well.