Here Comes the Bride. Why is She Holding Chopsticks?

I'm soooo excited for my friends to have weddings. I know, I'm a loser. But wouldn't it be awesome? Excuse my enthusiasm, but when I was younger and rebellious I hated all girly things, and this included weddings. Thirteen year old me would be all, "(eye roll) whatever, a wedding is just an archaic ceremony binding a woman to a lifetime of overwork and misery" before going back to wearing boy pants and reading stories about woman warriors. Did I mention my mom used to think I was going to be a lesbian? True story.

Anyway, somewhere along the line I underwent a 180 degree transformation and now 21 year old me does all the things 13 year old me never did: wear dresses, use pink nail polish, have boyfriends and a mother who doesn't question my sexual orientation, etc. I'm not saying life is better now (read: boys suck, I wish my mom's suspicions had been right, just kidding not really I don't even know anymore) but I think this totally explains my delayed and thus built up excitement for weddings.

A few years ago I went to the wedding of a family friend's daughter, and it was gorgeous. The ceremony was held on the cliffs overlooking Half Moon Bay, and the family had rented out the banquet hall of the Ritz Carlton for the reception, and it was just so beautiful that I almost cried even though the groom was a West Point graduate and all his groomsmen wore uniforms and it was kind of funny with the rifle twirling and all that.

The wedding was amazing, but it was also kind of terrible, because they are pretty wealthy, obviously, and I'm like, what are the odds that all the other weddings I go to will be this extravagant? What are the odds that my wedding, if I have one, will be this beautiful? And then I kind of curse them for setting the bar so high. So now I'm going to have to have my wedding on the top of the Eiffel Tower or something so that on my wedding day I won't look around and sigh and say, "Well I guess it's nice but I went to this one wedding like ten years ago and it was way better," thus causing my wedding planner to stab herself with the cake cutter and then everyone's going to be all concerned about sending her to the hospital and no one's going to notice my expensive dress. I can tell it's going to be a headache already.

But anyway I can't imagine what it would be like to get married, even though when she was my age my mom had already met and started dating my dad. In fact, they were probably like over a year into their relationship. And that freaks me the eff out because 1) omg I can't imagine being married, and 2) the Eiffel Tower is probably already booked through the next 25 years. And I guess there's a 3) I don't want to marry someone like my dad.

Not to say he sucks, I mean he's pretty cool as far as dads go. I mean he's okay. Whatever, this isn't about him. Well, maybe a little. Take yesterday for example. My mom comes home from work. She works the same hours as my dad, and she usually brings lunch from home whereas my dad goes out to eat every day (another unnecessary expense). But when she gets back she makes an entire dinner from scratch. I'm talking like three dishes and soup and everything. This is why I need a diet, by the way. And then after dinner's over she does all the dishes. And my dad comes home, sits down, eats, watches tv, and then smokes a cigarette in the backyard. And I'm like oh hell no. Because if this is my married life, I will be insane within the month. Insane like there will be chopsticks through someone's eyeballs.

Wow. How did this post go from me loving weddings to wanting to stab out my imaginary future husband's eyes? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so excited for my friends to get married because weddings are awesome and as a guest I get to have all the perks of a wedding without any of the drawbacks.

Observe:
If this is a really good friend's wedding, proceed to A. Otherwise, proceed to A' (yes that's an A prime).

A: I get to walk down the aisle anyway, as a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor or usherette or something.

A': I get to sit.

B: I get cake.

C: When I go home, I don't have to deal with a husband.

See? So everyone reading this, please get married as soon as possible and invite me to your wedding. But don't steal the Eiffel Tower idea, that's mine. And I have chopsticks.