The first red flag? The article is entitled "Lock Down His Love." I mean, they're not even trying to put up a dignified front anymore (there's also a sub-heading called "How To Make Him Your Boyfriend" -- it was highlighted). But let's look at the content, shall we?
Some interesting quotes from the article:
"According to research, women have a greater chance of landing a boyfriend when they don't have sex on the first date."
Okay I have to admit I'm conflicted on this one. I can't imagine being comfortable enough with a guy I've met only a time or two to sleep with him, but if it's like you've been friends/joking about sexing each other up for months and you finally get him alone I'm not going to judge what happens. Not that.. I would know. Anything about this situation. Let's move on.
"Don't skip yoga or happy hour just because he wants to see you... Not always being available keeps the mystery alive."
If this is true I have totally failed because I am the least mysterious woman alive. I mean, first of all there's this blog, which the last two guys I've dated read regularly enough to make snide comments about it to me (they're not fans of eye-stabbing -- hits too close to home?), and other than that if I want to see a guy and he calls (or texts, I guess I'm easy) my response usually varies between "when will you get here?" to "omg I am more excited about your visit than I have ever been about Santa Claus." So I might have to work on that. Although I don't really see it happening, I am way too lazy to put any effort into attempts at coyness. Also I'm pretty sure my fingers text faster than my brain can think. This would explain a lot.
So in the interest of journalism, I decided to form a guy panel to survey the accuracy of these statements. My panel consisted of Mango and Jamerz, not just because they were my only close guy friends online (apparently some people spend the Thanksgiving holiday with family and not their computers? Who knew?) but because they are sophisticated men whose opinions are always honest and eloquent. As you will soon see. As an afterthought I added Iz to the panel as a voice for the girls, not because her answers are usually insightful but because I figured that could count as my contribution to family time.
So here are my very scientific results, complete with their own subheadings:
Being a Ho: Does it Pay Off?
Me: Would you be less likely to date a girl if she slept with you on the first date?
Mango: Maybe.
Mango: Is she good?
Me: At sex?!
Mango: Never mind. Next question.
Me: Come on, I need your honest answer. This is a scientific survey.
Mango: I'd say no. I wouldn't be less likely to date her.
Me: You wouldn't think she's a ho?
Mango: Well I wouldn't sleep with her unless she was super amazing and perfect with me so I guess if that were the case I would date her.
Isn't he sweet and even more naively romantic than me? He's single, ladies. And makes a delicious salami-and-corn pasta. He really likes watching Spongebob though, so I hope you'd rather spend a Saturday evening in a pineapple under the sea than at a club or something.
Me: [same question]
Jamerz: Tough question... so I barely know the girl?
Me: Let's assume she's hot though.
Jamerz: Of course. <-- I enjoyed this response of his.
Jamerz: I'd definitely have concerns.
Me: About her ho-ibility?
Jamerz: Yeah.
Me: So if a girl sleeps with you on the first date, you'd be less likely to make her your girlfriend, is that fair to say?
Jamerz: I think that's fair.
Ho-ibility.
Me: Would you sleep with a guy on the first date?
Iz: If it's not my first time.
Iz: And if I'm just looking for fun.
I've taught her well.
Mystery: Necessary, or a Waste of Time and Disguises in the Form of Fake Mustaches?
Me: Do you prefer it when women are mysterious?
Mango: I guess in a way. If they're all boring and stuff it's not as fun, right. But not too mysterious.
Me: Like they don't always meet you when you call.
Mango: If I planned something really spontaneous I'd be sad if she said she was busy. If it always happened I'd be like oh she's too busy or something. But it might stir up interest in the beginning.
How did we ever start dating then? I lived across the hall. I don't think you can get much more accessible than that.
Me: [same question]
Jamerz: If I'm looking at her as a potential girlfriend, I'd like some degree of openness. I think I'd like someone I can communicate frankly with.
Thank god guys like this exist because I have a suspicion that sometimes I'm as frank as a hot dog. Oh my god I'm so sorry. That was the lamest joke ever. I don't think it can even be classified as a joke. Let's just pretend like it never happened.
Me: Do you ever pretend to be mysterious with a guy?
Iz: Depends on how much I like him and how solid my original plans are.
By "how solid my original plans are" she means "how many cupcakes will be at the party I was planning on going to versus how many cupcakes he is likely to be bringing on the date." Hint to potential suitors: less than a Baker's Dozen? You're out of luck.
Maybe He's Just Not That Into You or Maybe You Shouldn't Have Used that Mustache After All: Top Three Reasons He Hasn't Asked You Out Yet (Carolyn's Guy Panel Edition)
Mango: 1. If she's actually a boy.
At this point I had to intervene and explain to him that this is referring to a girl he is already dating so if he wouldn't date her as a him then it's not applicable. Unless he'd date him and just not ask him to be his girlfriend.
Mango: Oh.
Me: Start over.
Mango: 1. If they were fake. Like with over-make up. Like it covers their arms.
Sometimes I don't even try to understand him.
Mango: 2. If they were anorexic.
Random. But in retrospect it makes sense, as I clearly don't have this problem. I have like the opposite problem. What's the word for when you're the opposite of anorexic? Oh shit. It's obesity. Let's ignore this part too.
Mango: 3. If they're a boy.
Me: Okay, I just explained this to you.
Mango: Oh, right.
Mango: 3. If we didn't have anything in common.
Me: That's a pretty good--
Mango: Or if they go to USC.
Then he started explaining to me (in detail) what happened in the UCLA-USC game today.
Jamerz: 1. We don't share similar values (i.e. family, career.).
Jamerz: 2. We don't have similar tastes in what we think is fun/funny.
Jamerz: 3. We don't have similar opinions about what a balanced relationship consists of, like what we expect from each other.
Can you tell who is the easier interview subject here? Anyway their answers are kind of encouraging and contradicts that whole theory that girls are more mature than guys because if you had asked me the same question my answers may or may not have been along the lines of:
Carolyn: 1. He uses messenger bags.
Carolyn: 2. He doesn't think Call of Duty is fun.
Carolyn: 3. He often subtly hints that I need to stop drinking.
Maybe it's just me.
Last Bonus Question as a Reward for You Reading All the Way Down Here
Me: What would you do if you were about to propose to the girl you're dating but then you found out she was a guy?
Mango: Wow. I probably wouldn't propose.
Me: Would you break up with them?
Mango: I'd go to counseling and figure it out with them. Why didn't they tell me?
Me: They were afraid you would leave them.
Me: They were afraid you would leave them.
Mango: Yeah, counseling.
Me: Alone or with them?
Mango: With them.
Aw that's kind of sweet and definitely surprising because Mango isn't exactly liberal so this just proves that the power of love can overcome anything, even Republican values. This must be some kind of journalistic breakthrough. Pulitzer?
Me: [same question]
Jamerz: Whaaaaa
Jamerz: I would be devastated.
Jamerz: That's not something I would be okay with.
Me: HAHAHA
Me: Oh my god I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh. I didn't read the devastated part.
Jamerz: [silence]
Me: So you'd just never see them again?
Jamerz: Probably. That is just too important to withhold.
Fair enough. I am of the opinion that love transcends gender but to be fair I've never fallen in love with a girl masquerading as a boy who's been lying to me the entire time I've known her and who knows how I'd react if I did. Pretty sure eye-stabbing would be involved, it's another thing that transcends gender.
Me: What would you do if the guy you wanted to marry proposed but turned out to be a girl?
Iz: I'd be like "..."
Iz: Then I would rethink things a bit. Although he did lie to me.
Me: But he was perfect in every other way.
Iz: Hm, then I'd have to think about it. Now let me write my essay. We'll discuss your sexuality later.
Oh god I've taught her to be witty. Kind of. But I do like how her initial reaction would be speechlessness -- she must really be surprised then.
Wow longest (and most imformative? yes) blog entry ever. I'm pretty sure I spent more time and effort on it than I did on the three essays I have due within the next week. You're welcome.
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