Guy Love.

Alright I lied. I'm totally back with a super long post but feel free to read this in a week if you're looking to pace yourself/can't stand my endless rambling two days in a row.

Today I met up with a bunch of my old friends and had lunch and realized that wow I am lucky. It might just be in comparison to some stuff going on in the rest of my life but it's still true, I've been pretty fortunate on the whole friendship front. And of course I have great girl friends too, but today I'm really grateful for my guy friends. We're not as close now, so it's not like something happened recently to ignite this feeling or anything, but back in high school and even the first few years of college when we all saw each other more often than twice a year, these guys were awesome.

And even now I have really strong guy friendships in my life. I usually find myself telling them more than I would tell a girl, just because I know my guy friends are less likely to repeat things and because they can give me the guy perspective on what I'm telling them, which unfortunately is usually about some other guy screwing up my life.

So that's something: if I have all these awesome guy friends in my life, guys who are thoughtful and kind and respectful and smart, why do I so often end up messing around with someone who is ... the opposite of that? Ah, but even I know it's not as black and white as that. Of course, my guy friends are thoughtful and kind and respectful and smart to me, but that's because we are just friends. They don't make it a habit of showing me their mean, petty, rude sides, just like I don't yell at them sleep with them or expect them to tell me I'm pretty (it's actually kind of weird when they comment on my appearance -- although that's not a discouragement, guys -- I'm sure if you keep complimenting I'll get used to it). So maybe it's not right to judge it like that, but now that we're strangely and slowly growing up, I've been able to see these friends get girlfriends and from what I can tell, they haven't suddenly transformed into beasts or anything like that.

Take my old friend Stuffin for example. We used to actually be really good friends, but college and new friends and significant others have distracted from that. We were pretty close in high school though, and he was like a brother to me and Iz. When we still lived near him he used to pick us up all the time when we were meeting up with friends, and one Christmas he went with me to pick out a Christmas tree because my parents were too busy to do it. He carried the tree into our living room and, while I was calling my mom with the good news ("I bought a tree! I bought a tree! It's in our living room now!") he found a broom and dustpan and was sweeping all the stray Christmas tree needles up. One year when I came home for summer, my flight was scheduled for when my parents were at work so he offered to pick me up. I joked that I'd always wanted to be greeted at the airport with balloons and when he got me he brought along those cute little balloon on a stick things. And if you guys think that is being a good friend, then imagine how he must be as a boyfriend, because he treats his girlfriend a thousand times better than that.

Or my friends Laycon and Mango (back when Mango and I had only ever been friends). One week in my second year in college I was really sick. It was probably the worst (non-alcohol related) illness I'd ever had in college -- the accompanying cough lasted half a year, if that gives any indication to just how badly I felt like dying that week when it was at its worst. Anyway, when my neighbors Laycon and Mango heard I was threatening to jump out my window just to put myself out of my misery, they rushed over. And I lived on the fourth floor, which just shows what good friends they were. The jump wouldn't even have killed me. But anyway, Laycon came with a water heater and made me like thirty cups of tea, and I don't remember what Mango brought (probably nothing) but I do remember that I was already kinda starting to like him back then so I was WRACKED WITH AGONY both because my lungs were like 75% phlegm but also because I looked horrible, like unbrushed-hair-runny-nose-glasses-puffy-eyes horrible.

So when Mango knocked on my door, I opened it like half an inch and peered out like that crazy lady whose yard the neighborhood kids aren't allowed to go in.

"Yes?" I said.

"Hi," he said, trying to look through the door. "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible." I said.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"No, I look so disgusting."

"But we haven't hung out in a while."
"I know, but if you see my face we will never hang out again because you'll be like oh god she's ugly."

"Okay, you know I wouldn't say that."

"You might."

"Carolyn..."

"We can chat, but you can't look at my face."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

And this is how we had a thirty minute conversation wherein Mango's eyes were glued to the floor the entire time. Once he interrupted what I was saying with a frantic "Sorry!" and I was like, "What?" and he was like "I accidentally saw your foot" and I felt kind of like I was in a Victorian novel. And it was cool, because I love Victorian novels.

So, with these examples of Good Guys in mind, comes the age-old question: "so why are girls attracted to jerks?"

And, as is usually the case when we have these difficult to resolve questions, it is time for...

DUMDUMDUMDUM

A Panel

Question of the Day: Why are girls so ridiculously and stupidly attracted to jerks?

For this question I was totally fair and asked three boys and three girls, but it was unanimous: everyone agreed that girls seem to like jerks more than nice guys.

Then the big question was: why? Are we just stupid? Or is there actually a reason that we gravitate toward guys who make us wish we could shrink really small and crawl inside their heads so we can kick their brains?

Well, I got a variety of answers to my questions but they were very interesting and probably true.

Almost all the boys said that they felt jerks got more girls because they were more confident or outgoing.

To quote Laycon, "bad boys make girls hot, good boys make good friends; nice guys are usually more timid and reserved and don't give off sex appeal."

Hmm.. I don't know if I can attest to this. There must be some limit to the "bad," right, because I know I definitely don't find convicts attractive. Orange really doesn't do it for me. But it is true, when you meet a nice, quiet guy you immediately think aww it would be so cool if we could be friends. Unless there's like incredible magical chemistry, in which case you think aww it would be so cool if I could jump his bones. No? Justs me? Okay, moving on.

My friend Tard thinks confidence is the dealmaker also, he said, "Jerks tend to not care what they do, which shows confidence. They're more hotheaded and less cautious, which is exciting."

Hmm I don't know about that either. I find careless guys nerve-wracking and I really like even-headed guys who stay calm through all types of situations because to be honest if anyone's gonna overreact IT'S GONNA BE ME OKAY? And also, there's that one quintessential "bad boy" thing about having a motorcycle, which I've never really found that attractive. I don't know why, I'm not against it and I could see how it could be a potential turn on for girls but I have just never met anyone who personified it. Maybe I'm just lazy and like to sit in cars with the luxuries of radio and a/c. Or maybe I should stop picturing old bearded men on Harleys when I think "motorcycle."

Iz asked Poops the same question and his answer was so awesome I have to quote it directly:

Poops: Girls like jerks more because they are more outgoing.

Iz: so.. what are you [I knew she would get sidetracked; note: Iz not a good investigative reporter]

Poops: I'm in between

Poops: Nice guy in the beginning

Poops: Jerk in the end

Iz: PUHlease no you're not

Poops: PEACE

Poops: YOU FELL FOR ME WOMAN

Of course, the girls had their own opinions about the matter.

Whenever paneling comes up Iz sets aside her oversized novelty stationery and her habit of pluralizing every single word (Iz speak: everys singles words) and tries to sound like an intelligent 20 year old instead of a toddler who has developed really, really slowly. Like slowly to the point where the parents are flying to specialists around the country. Anyway, here's what she had to say:

Iz: The mean behavior can be addicting for those who aren't experienced yet. It's like they'll be a jerk and then they'll be super nice to you and the contrast makes you get addicted to them more.

Me: What if you are experienced?

Iz: Hm... then it might be hot for a while. But that's it. Being a jerk is a pretty big turn off.

Amen.

Teenie: It's a pride thing. At first girls are like "how dare you not treat me like a princess?!" and then they get intrigued. You're drawn to him because you want to win him over. Or maybe it's the sad fact that guys who are jerks know that they have something going for them, and hence they can afford to be a jerk? It's like, goddamnit you're such an asshole but I'd like to jump your bones anyway.

Hm... I am familiar with that phenomenon. Does this contradict my agreement with what Iz said? Now you see why my life is so confusing.

Meema: The thing is, if a guy is really nice, he can easily be put on the Friend Ladder. Because he's friendly and non-provoking. Attraction needs a little danger sometimes, something to excite. If he's nice and NOT boring, then it's a much better situation. But that's hard to find often.

So it seems like the conclusion is that interestingness(?) in a guy is more important than niceness. Which blows, but might possibly be true. The funny thing is that while it seems that everyone agrees girls go for the jerks, it's not really holding true in my personal experience. I mean, I admit I've gone through the phase of being interested in the kind of guy who can roll a joint drunk and in the dark but isn't sure what, exactly, a library is for. That was called high school. But now I am a completely mature and independent woman who totally knows what she wants in life and would never ever again hook up with a guy who thinks it's okay to refer to a girl as a stupid bitch as long as he assured her he was joking afterwards ("it means I love you, baby"). Right?

And not to get all disgusting and sentimental right here but to come full circle -- it's my guy friends (remember that topic?) who usually remind me that hey, I might get my heart broken or at least fairly insulted by jerks but it's the nice guys who will listen and okay, they might not go hunt down and kill anyone for me, but they can definitely make me dinner and tell me I'm pretty (this is a surprisingly effective cure for sadness). And, in the last year, no one's been better at that for me than Mango.

So, for his birthday (he's turned 20 today, prime Spongebob-watching age) --

10 Reasons I Love Mango

10. He doesn't care that I often plaster his personal life all over my blog, usually including pictures of him in strange poses.

9. He knows me (scarily) well, which is a plus because sometimes it's nice to be understood and not completely misjudged. For example, when we went whale-watching at Newport Beach we were sailing out of the harbor(?) and there were all these beachfront mansions and I saw this set of three. The first mansion was this big modern one, where all the walls were made of glass. The second one was this really cute Victorian-esque sunbeamy yellow thing with white trim. The last one was Grecian, I guess, it was white marble with big tall pillars. Anyway, I pointed the trio out to Mango and said, "So when you get super rich, which one are you going to buy me?" And he looked at them and was like "the third one" and I was like "OH MY GOD HOW DID YOU KNOW" and he just kind of rolled his eyes and was like "well duh, I know you."

8. He knows me, and still sticks around. He may be one of the only people on earth who can handle me when I'm in one of my moods. Usually he's the only one within kicking distance (I wonder why..) but when it strikes, he usually kind of just sits through it until I've let off all my steam and then he'll look at me all calmly and say, "well, you know I'll love you no matter what." And if you can continue being mad after something like that you're a much more willful woman than I am. Also he sometimes has candy.

7. He always shares his candy.

6. He makes me dinner at ridiculous times like 4:30 PM because I never have time for lunch and then when I get hungry again around 10 PM he not only doesn't mock me for eating so late, he will order food with me and then go pick it up from downstairs when the delivery guy comes. And then afterwards when I complain about how fat I am he will only agree a little.

5. I can wear my baggy sweats and a lumpy sweatshirt and my dorky glasses around him and he'll be like "you pull that look off well" and then I'll stop mentally freaking out that I'm the grossest person in the world.

4. He always takes my side.

3. When I promise we'll hang out and then I come over and fall asleep for four hours on his bed and then wake up and say "I'm sleepy, I'm gonna go home" he will walk me and not complain that technically we didn't actually do anything fun.

2. When he walks me home and there's no one in my apartment at like 2 AM he always checks for monsters and will wait for me to shower because he knows I get scared when it's late and dark and the apartment is empty and I have to shower because what if I open the door when I'm done and THERE IS A MASKED MURDERER SITTING ON MY BED? This is an honest, real fear of mine. Sometimes the murderer is wearing an animal head.

1. He is my best buddy.

Well that's that. I'm leaving for Korea tomorrow so if you don't hear back from me please send former President Clinton over there asap. But if all goes well I should be in Taiwan by Saturday around noon, and Saturday around one PM I will probably have overdosed from pearl milk tea. Barring that though, I will take a lot of pictures and report back and I swear that I will actually do it. Not like that time with Hawaii. Haha. Remember that? Good times.

If You've Ever Wanted to Trap a Man's Love Like it Was a Wounded Bird You Should Read This.

I came home this Thanksgiving to three copies of Women's Health magazine on our washing machine in the garage. I'd forgotten that whenever I order make-up from e.l.f. my purple eyeliner and fuchsia nail polish come with a complimentary subscription to this magazine. Usually I don't mind reading about how to "BURN MORE FAT!" or "Eat, Drink & Still Shrink!" while eating cookies in a comfortable chair, but today I came across an article that reminded me of why I don't actually pay for these things.

The first red flag? The article is entitled "Lock Down His Love." I mean, they're not even trying to put up a dignified front anymore (there's also a sub-heading called "How To Make Him Your Boyfriend" -- it was highlighted). But let's look at the content, shall we?

Some interesting quotes from the article:

"According to research, women have a greater chance of landing a boyfriend when they don't have sex on the first date."

Okay I have to admit I'm conflicted on this one. I can't imagine being comfortable enough with a guy I've met only a time or two to sleep with him, but if it's like you've been friends/joking about sexing each other up for months and you finally get him alone I'm not going to judge what happens. Not that.. I would know. Anything about this situation. Let's move on.

"Don't skip yoga or happy hour just because he wants to see you... Not always being available keeps the mystery alive."

If this is true I have totally failed because I am the least mysterious woman alive. I mean, first of all there's this blog, which the last two guys I've dated read regularly enough to make snide comments about it to me (they're not fans of eye-stabbing -- hits too close to home?), and other than that if I want to see a guy and he calls (or texts, I guess I'm easy) my response usually varies between "when will you get here?" to "omg I am more excited about your visit than I have ever been about Santa Claus." So I might have to work on that. Although I don't really see it happening, I am way too lazy to put any effort into attempts at coyness. Also I'm pretty sure my fingers text faster than my brain can think. This would explain a lot.

So in the interest of journalism, I decided to form a guy panel to survey the accuracy of these statements. My panel consisted of Mango and Jamerz, not just because they were my only close guy friends online (apparently some people spend the Thanksgiving holiday with family and not their computers? Who knew?) but because they are sophisticated men whose opinions are always honest and eloquent. As you will soon see. As an afterthought I added Iz to the panel as a voice for the girls, not because her answers are usually insightful but because I figured that could count as my contribution to family time.

So here are my very scientific results, complete with their own subheadings:

Being a Ho: Does it Pay Off?

Me: Would you be less likely to date a girl if she slept with you on the first date?

Mango: Maybe.

Mango: Is she good?

Me: At sex?!

Mango: Never mind. Next question.

Me: Come on, I need your honest answer. This is a scientific survey.

Mango: I'd say no. I wouldn't be less likely to date her.

Me: You wouldn't think she's a ho?

Mango: Well I wouldn't sleep with her unless she was super amazing and perfect with me so I guess if that were the case I would date her.

Isn't he sweet and even more naively romantic than me? He's single, ladies. And makes a delicious salami-and-corn pasta. He really likes watching Spongebob though, so I hope you'd rather spend a Saturday evening in a pineapple under the sea than at a club or something.

Me: [same question]

Jamerz: Tough question... so I barely know the girl?

Me: Let's assume she's hot though.

Jamerz: Of course. <-- I enjoyed this response of his.

Jamerz: I'd definitely have concerns.

Me: About her ho-ibility?

Jamerz: Yeah.

Me: So if a girl sleeps with you on the first date, you'd be less likely to make her your girlfriend, is that fair to say?

Jamerz: I think that's fair.

Ho-ibility.

Me: Would you sleep with a guy on the first date?

Iz: If it's not my first time.

Iz: And if I'm just looking for fun.

I've taught her well.

Mystery: Necessary, or a Waste of Time and Disguises in the Form of Fake Mustaches?

Me: Do you prefer it when women are mysterious?

Mango: I guess in a way. If they're all boring and stuff it's not as fun, right. But not too mysterious.

Me: Like they don't always meet you when you call.

Mango: If I planned something really spontaneous I'd be sad if she said she was busy. If it always happened I'd be like oh she's too busy or something. But it might stir up interest in the beginning.

How did we ever start dating then? I lived across the hall. I don't think you can get much more accessible than that.

Me: [same question]

Jamerz: If I'm looking at her as a potential girlfriend, I'd like some degree of openness. I think I'd like someone I can communicate frankly with.

Thank god guys like this exist because I have a suspicion that sometimes I'm as frank as a hot dog. Oh my god I'm so sorry. That was the lamest joke ever. I don't think it can even be classified as a joke. Let's just pretend like it never happened.

Me: Do you ever pretend to be mysterious with a guy?

Iz: Depends on how much I like him and how solid my original plans are.

By "how solid my original plans are" she means "how many cupcakes will be at the party I was planning on going to versus how many cupcakes he is likely to be bringing on the date." Hint to potential suitors: less than a Baker's Dozen? You're out of luck.

Maybe He's Just Not That Into You or Maybe You Shouldn't Have Used that Mustache After All: Top Three Reasons He Hasn't Asked You Out Yet (Carolyn's Guy Panel Edition)

Mango: 1. If she's actually a boy.

At this point I had to intervene and explain to him that this is referring to a girl he is already dating so if he wouldn't date her as a him then it's not applicable. Unless he'd date him and just not ask him to be his girlfriend.

Mango: Oh.

Me: Start over.

Mango: 1. If they were fake. Like with over-make up. Like it covers their arms.

Sometimes I don't even try to understand him.

Mango: 2. If they were anorexic.

Random. But in retrospect it makes sense, as I clearly don't have this problem. I have like the opposite problem. What's the word for when you're the opposite of anorexic? Oh shit. It's obesity. Let's ignore this part too.

Mango: 3. If they're a boy.

Me: Okay, I just explained this to you.

Mango: Oh, right.

Mango: 3. If we didn't have anything in common.

Me: That's a pretty good--

Mango: Or if they go to USC.

Then he started explaining to me (in detail) what happened in the UCLA-USC game today.

Jamerz: 1. We don't share similar values (i.e. family, career.).

Jamerz: 2. We don't have similar tastes in what we think is fun/funny.

Jamerz: 3. We don't have similar opinions about what a balanced relationship consists of, like what we expect from each other.

Can you tell who is the easier interview subject here? Anyway their answers are kind of encouraging and contradicts that whole theory that girls are more mature than guys because if you had asked me the same question my answers may or may not have been along the lines of:

Carolyn: 1. He uses messenger bags.

Carolyn: 2. He doesn't think Call of Duty is fun.

Carolyn: 3. He often subtly hints that I need to stop drinking.

Maybe it's just me.

Last Bonus Question as a Reward for You Reading All the Way Down Here

Me: What would you do if you were about to propose to the girl you're dating but then you found out she was a guy?

Mango: Wow. I probably wouldn't propose.

Me: Would you break up with them?

Mango: I'd go to counseling and figure it out with them. Why didn't they tell me?
Me: They were afraid you would leave them.

Mango: Yeah, counseling.

Me: Alone or with them?

Mango: With them.

Aw that's kind of sweet and definitely surprising because Mango isn't exactly liberal so this just proves that the power of love can overcome anything, even Republican values. This must be some kind of journalistic breakthrough. Pulitzer?

Me: [same question]

Jamerz: Whaaaaa

Jamerz: I would be devastated.

Jamerz: That's not something I would be okay with.

Me: HAHAHA

Me: Oh my god I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh. I didn't read the devastated part.

Jamerz: [silence]

Me: So you'd just never see them again?

Jamerz: Probably. That is just too important to withhold.

Fair enough. I am of the opinion that love transcends gender but to be fair I've never fallen in love with a girl masquerading as a boy who's been lying to me the entire time I've known her and who knows how I'd react if I did. Pretty sure eye-stabbing would be involved, it's another thing that transcends gender.

Me: What would you do if the guy you wanted to marry proposed but turned out to be a girl?

Iz: I'd be like "..."

Iz: Then I would rethink things a bit. Although he did lie to me.

Me: But he was perfect in every other way.

Iz: Hm, then I'd have to think about it. Now let me write my essay. We'll discuss your sexuality later.

Oh god I've taught her to be witty. Kind of. But I do like how her initial reaction would be speechlessness -- she must really be surprised then.

Wow longest (and most imformative? yes) blog entry ever. I'm pretty sure I spent more time and effort on it than I did on the three essays I have due within the next week. You're welcome.